OH SHIT

Fuck.

So is everyone else excited about the apocalypse?  I just withdrew every penny from the bank and re-invested each one in canned goods, condoms, and ammunition.  I have an electric car that I can recharge with my exercise bike, so I don’t really need gasoline.  The lack of fresh sushi will be the most upsetting.

Is anyone else thinking that maybe we should start forming tribes now?  I was thinking about how bad it would be to get stuck in the wrong tribe.  Like what if you’re in a tribe with a bunch of old people who were like insurance adjusters who had no real world skill and ate too much and were really slow.  That would fucking suck.  That’s not what you want in your tribe.

You want a bunch of people with a good education that are also practitioners of archery, leatherworking, kickboxing, chemistry, acrobatics, lockpicking, electronics hacking, 2-handed-weapons or cooking.  That’s why I was thinking that I should start looking for people with skills in any of those areas to join my tribe so that we could work together.  I would consider myself a master of kickboxing, a novice lock-picker, and an expert at persuasion.  I feel that I would be a very capable chieftain, willing to listen to all members of the tribe, but remaining a strong leader putting the defense and steady expansion of the tribe at utmost importance.  Other tribes will be expanding as well, so we will need to do our best to recruit or convert the most powerful to members of our empire.  It really is the only way to ensure that we survive when inevitably a less benevolent tribe begins to get ideas about overtaking us.  Our power and cunning should make any rival tribe careful not to provoke us.

We will be a clothing optional tribe, only requiring clothing on people who do not meet certain “visual pollution standards” (VPS).  There are easy to meet VPS for several areas of visual acceptability.  For example, in the interest of fairness we do not go by weight. Here are the generous standards: Women who are over 29% body fat and men over 16% body fat are not allowed to engage in public nudity, the wearing of shorts, or the wearing of “stretchy” or form-fitting clothing.  At your yearly VPS Card Renewal visit you may be required to be tested at the discretion of the Department of Visual Pollution field office in your area.  Your VPS card can be revoked at any time if an officer of the tribe sees you with visible hair below your neck.  Both women and men are forbidden from having any visible body hair, but don’t worry, our tribal health care plan covers all body and facial hair removal procedures.

Twice weekly wrestling, kickboxing, submission grappling, parkour, and rock climbing classes will be standard for all citizens.  History, problem solving, advanced mathematics, strategy, literature, the arts, and language classes will also be offered for all citizens of all ages.  There will be annual tests in all of these areas for every tribe member.  Your place in the caste system for the next year depends on the scores on your tests, both mental and physical.  Don’t worry if you are extraordinary in athletics but unintelligent or vice versa, we have special castes for you that are still very prestigious.  Just continue in your studies, work on your weaknesses and you will climb the ladder!

One of our first orders of business should buy or take over an abandoned nuclear missile silo with a wide buffer of wilderness around it.  This will be the center of our nation from which we will expand.  It should be close in proximity to a large body of water, somewhat temperate in climate, and have native fauna available for hunting.  We will build a castle around the silo/bunker, which we will have converted into a center of operations before we are able to build a more secure one.  The castle will be under heavy guard, but still appear as a friendly place to our citizens, who will be given the opportunity to own land and act as a buffer of defense against marauders.  Members of the Noble caste will be nearest the castle, with the greatest scholars and athletes within the confines.  The sturdy but simple Defender caste will be the furthest away, defending the border bravely while constantly building and expanding walls.  We believe no caste is more important than any other and we are proud to give every citizen the opportunity to contribute in the way most valuable to their tribe.

At this point it would not be prudent to give out any more sensitive information should we have to form this tribe.  I would like any of my readers to enter an short resume below, just include your gender, age, education, special skills, whether or not you would participate in public nudity, and why you think you would be a good tribe member.  You may also include a nickname you would like to go by, but it is not required.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, September 30th, 2008 at 5:05 am and is filed under Media, Politics. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.