Condescending Media with Andre Colorado

From The New York Times:

US

Man in Santa Suit Kills at Least 5 at Holiday Party

By ANAHAD O’CONNOR

Published: December 26, 2008

In a bizarre Christmas Eve rampage, a 45-year-old man opened fire at a party in a Los Angeles suburb. The suspect later killed himself, police said.

Down in the workshop all the elves were making toys
For the good Gentile girls and the good Gentile boys
When the boss busted in, nearly scared ‘em half to death
Had a rifle in his hands and cheap whiskey on his breath
From his beard to his boots he was covered with ammo
Like a big fat drunk disgruntled Yuletide Rambo
And he smiled as he said with a twinkle in his eye
“Merry Christmas to all – now you’re all gonna die!”

Recently, Ryan at Doomsday Thingy wrote an article about the brief period this year when spam was delightful and entertaining.  Here is an excerpt:

There was a time earlier this year when SPAM email was sweeter than unicorn milk or leprechaun brains. A brief period where SPAM did more than assure men and women that their penises are laughably small and unsatisfactory. These emails were more like a joke from a friend than a solicitation for shady medication. The subject typically described a famous person doing something wild and unlikely, and the body would do the same, but have nothing to do with the subject. Here are some of the actual emails I received:

Obama Converts To Judiasm!
Both Obama And Mccain Claim That They Will Deport Elton John

Madonnas Former Home Destroyed By Jesus
The Gay Black Jew

Michael Jackson is hermaphrodite. Watch the video.
President Bush’s iPod: The Complete Playlist

Tom Cruise falls from horse, breaks back
American kids found to have the highest level of cholesterol in latest health survey

Old man grabs young boobies
Iran wants Bush’s hands

Baby borned with 2 privates
Hilary Clinton screams bloody murder over loss, vows revenge on Obama

Bush Accidentally Starts The War On Iran
Theodore Roosevelt Was A Gay Man

Source

While I enjoyed reminiscing about entertaining junk mail, I have to disagree with him on one of his main assessments.  I think that the bodies of the messages undoubtedly relate directly to the subjects.  Here are a few quick examples:

1. Subject: Madonnas Former Home Destroyed By Jesus
   Body: The Gay Black Jew
   Explanation: We know Jesus was black and we know Jesus was a Jew.  He did hang out with a lot of dudes and wear a dress, so we can only assume that the writer has finally found the historical evidence to prove the Gay Jesus Theory.
2. Subject: Michael Jackson is hermaphrodite. Watch the video.
   Body: President Bush’s iPod: The Complete Playlist”
   Explanation: Every informed person knows that President George W Bush has 32 gig ipod touch that he only uses to watch viral videos.  Interns download the most shocking and hilarious videos of the day and sync them on his iPod Touch every morning. Obviously the President has the Michael Jackson hermaphrodite video on his play list. I imagine if you clicked on the link in the e-mail it would show you the rest of his favorite videos like “Exploding Dog” and “Frightened Helen Keller on a Segway”
3. Subject:  Old man grabs young boobies
   Body: Iran wants Bush’s hands
   Explanation: The old man is obviously Bush Sr and the Persians are jealous that he gets all the action. Come on Ryan, these are easy.
4. Subject: Schizzle my dazzle
   Body: US soldier caught masturbating on his ammo before loading on rifle.
   Explanation: “Schizzle my dazzle” is slang that Afro-American inner city gang members use for ejaculating on ammunition before a “rumble.” The military frowns on activity that resembles the former gang life many soldiers lived, so they reprimanded the young man.

Ryan O’Hara may not be able to read between the lines, but I still consider him a friend. He is Canadian after all. Faulting a Canadian for being naive would be like faulting an Australian for being a drunk.

Joe Son is best known by most as Random Task from Austin Powers.  That is not how I or other Mixed Martial Arts fans remember Joe Son.  We remember Joe Son as the innovator of Joe Son Do.   We remember Joe Son as Kimo Leopoldo’s spiritual adviser.  We remember him as a mysterious and troubled young man who struggled to drag a giant wooden cross to the Octagon back in 1994 at UFC 4.  We remember Keith Hackney punching Joe Son in the testicles repeatedly when that strategy was legal.

Joe Son Famously Receives a Testicle Beating

At 5′4″ and 236 lbs, success never came easy for Joe. He relied on his strong Christian views to get him through the tough times.   He took several years off to pursue an acting career full time after his 1994 fight debut.  He was able to achieve some success in movies about fighting tournaments, playing Beefy in the film Bloodfist V: Human Target and Chang in Viper.  Looking to escape being constantly typecast as a short and fat Asian fighter, Joe Son attempted to branch out in to comedy and landed the role of a lifetime.

Joe Son as Random Task appears next to Michael Myers

Riding high off of his Austin Powers fame, Joe Son returned to the gym and worked on making a comeback in the arena of his first love, Mixed Martial Arts.  People close to Joe claim he didn’t seem to have the same passion for Joe Son Do that he once did, but he dismissed these claims.  The opportunity to make his comeback finally came in 2002 when the PRIDE Fighting organization offered Joe a chance to redeem himself at their event PRIDE The Best Volume 1.  Joe and his fans were quickly disappointed as he was defeated soundly in 33 seconds.  His two subsequent bouts also ended in utter failure, and it became obvious that this wasn’t the same man that withstood a brutal testicle beating only nine years earlier.  Joe Son retired from Mixed Martial Arts with a record of 0 wins 4 losses at just 30-years-old.  After a brief stint in Japanese Pro Wrestling, Joe Son left the spotlight.

The years after Joe’s retirement from the limelight were not kind. It is no secret that Joe Son has had a long history of addiction problems and mental issues.  Without a lucrative career to afford them, Joe’s life began to spiral into chaos.  His demons had finally caught up with him.  He was living out of his car and experiencing delusions of grandeur, telling strangers about future comebacks and tails of his victories.  There were also rumors of Joe Son starting a new gym, marketing instructional videos, and even running a streaming MMA video piracy site.  None of these have been substantiated.

An eye witness reports below:

It seems many people thought that Joe was a good guy.  Keith Hackney is not one of those people.  Keith Hackney knew something was wrong with Joe Son back in the beginning.  Rumors have persisted for years that Keith had some sort of personal vendetta against Joe.  Why else would a man punch another man in the testicles so many times?  There is only one answer, Keith Hackney knew the atrocities that Joe Son had committed and entered the tournament simply to damage Joe Son’s balls.  Keith’s brutality to Joe’s cojones did not even begin to match Mr. Son’s past.

Joe Son plead guilty to felony vandalism back in May.  As part of the plea bargain he was forced to turn over DNA samples.  These samples matched up to an unsolved rape case from 1990.  In this particularly brutal case the woman was raped, sodomized, threatened with deadly violence, and eventually released nude with her pants tied around her eyes.  On Christmas Eve. This from a man who four years later carried a huge wooden cross on his back to the ring and taught others about Christianity.

It is unclear so far how Keith Hackney knew about this event, but if I know movies about fighting tournaments(I do) I am venturing to guess that the victim was Hackney’s former FBI partner.   Hackney’s superiors were unwilling to pursue the case due to lack of evidence, so he had to enter the fighting tournament on his own.  Hackney knew that Joe couldn’t be prosecuted on the evidence available, so he did the only thing he could to stop Joe Son from raping again.  He brutally destroyed Joe’s testicles.  Beat them until he knew that Joe Son could produce no more rape juice.  Beat them for his fallen partner.

From now on, every time a fan watches the testicle beating Joe Son took in 1994, he will no longer cringe.  He will no longer feel sorry for the short fat man getting punched repeatedly in the balls.  He may still laugh, but there will also be a satisfaction in seeing the whole thing.  No longer will he think of Keith as a monster, but as a loyal partner and friend.  He will see Keith as a man who dared to seek out vigilante justice hand-to-hand against a dangerous martial arts expert.

Joe Son faces a maximum prison sentence of 275 years to life if convicted.

I leave you with this video as a final thought:

Thanks to True Crime Report for the vid.

Creed Vs Peggy Debate

Last night’s episode of The Office was really weird.  It was like 2 hours long and for some reason the entire episode was Creed arguing with Peggy Hill from that cartoon on Fox.  I didn’t really get most of the humor. I think they were trying to be more subtle, like the British version.  Creed mentioned Scranton a bunch of times, but there wasn’t much else that had anything to do with the other characters.  They should have had him say more crazy things like he usually does.  It seems like the long episodes are always too dramatic and drawn out.  Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy them, but I like to watch the show for the comedy and not the drama.

They did a good job finding a woman that looks like Peggy Hill, but the way she talked sounded a little dumber.  She talked a little more cutesy than Peggy does on the cartoon, and she was havin’ a lot more problems pronouncin’ her gerunds.  I do have to give to the actress for capturing Peggy’s trademark self-aggrandizin’.  It takes a good actress to play a very stupid character who thinks she is intelligent without overacting.  I thought it was funny when Peggy said Dawgonnit and kept using run-on sentences.

While it was interesting to do a crossover episode with a cartoon, I hope they don’t do many more episodes like this.  I’m hoping that they aren’t running out of ideas or anything.  All in all it was a pretty boring episode and they should have had Dwight or Michael playing the moderator if they wanted more laughs.

Episode rating 6/10

IN OTHER NEWS

In other entertainment news, Angelina Jolie is at it again with her wacky behavior. I thought the brother kissing thing was weird, but this really takes the cake.  My neighbor tells me that people in other cultures would look down on us for not doing that kind of thing.  It’s not my thing, though, and I still think it is kind of gross.  I guess you can’t really judge people though.

Fuck.

So is everyone else excited about the apocalypse?  I just withdrew every penny from the bank and re-invested each one in canned goods, condoms, and ammunition.  I have an electric car that I can recharge with my exercise bike, so I don’t really need gasoline.  The lack of fresh sushi will be the most upsetting.

Is anyone else thinking that maybe we should start forming tribes now?  I was thinking about how bad it would be to get stuck in the wrong tribe.  Like what if you’re in a tribe with a bunch of old people who were like insurance adjusters who had no real world skill and ate too much and were really slow.  That would fucking suck.  That’s not what you want in your tribe.

You want a bunch of people with a good education that are also practitioners of archery, leatherworking, kickboxing, chemistry, acrobatics, lockpicking, electronics hacking, 2-handed-weapons or cooking.  That’s why I was thinking that I should start looking for people with skills in any of those areas to join my tribe so that we could work together.  I would consider myself a master of kickboxing, a novice lock-picker, and an expert at persuasion.  I feel that I would be a very capable chieftain, willing to listen to all members of the tribe, but remaining a strong leader putting the defense and steady expansion of the tribe at utmost importance.  Other tribes will be expanding as well, so we will need to do our best to recruit or convert the most powerful to members of our empire.  It really is the only way to ensure that we survive when inevitably a less benevolent tribe begins to get ideas about overtaking us.  Our power and cunning should make any rival tribe careful not to provoke us.

We will be a clothing optional tribe, only requiring clothing on people who do not meet certain “visual pollution standards” (VPS).  There are easy to meet VPS for several areas of visual acceptability.  For example, in the interest of fairness we do not go by weight. Here are the generous standards: Women who are over 29% body fat and men over 16% body fat are not allowed to engage in public nudity, the wearing of shorts, or the wearing of “stretchy” or form-fitting clothing.  At your yearly VPS Card Renewal visit you may be required to be tested at the discretion of the Department of Visual Pollution field office in your area.  Your VPS card can be revoked at any time if an officer of the tribe sees you with visible hair below your neck.  Both women and men are forbidden from having any visible body hair, but don’t worry, our tribal health care plan covers all body and facial hair removal procedures.

Twice weekly wrestling, kickboxing, submission grappling, parkour, and rock climbing classes will be standard for all citizens.  History, problem solving, advanced mathematics, strategy, literature, the arts, and language classes will also be offered for all citizens of all ages.  There will be annual tests in all of these areas for every tribe member.  Your place in the caste system for the next year depends on the scores on your tests, both mental and physical.  Don’t worry if you are extraordinary in athletics but unintelligent or vice versa, we have special castes for you that are still very prestigious.  Just continue in your studies, work on your weaknesses and you will climb the ladder!

One of our first orders of business should buy or take over an abandoned nuclear missile silo with a wide buffer of wilderness around it.  This will be the center of our nation from which we will expand.  It should be close in proximity to a large body of water, somewhat temperate in climate, and have native fauna available for hunting.  We will build a castle around the silo/bunker, which we will have converted into a center of operations before we are able to build a more secure one.  The castle will be under heavy guard, but still appear as a friendly place to our citizens, who will be given the opportunity to own land and act as a buffer of defense against marauders.  Members of the Noble caste will be nearest the castle, with the greatest scholars and athletes within the confines.  The sturdy but simple Defender caste will be the furthest away, defending the border bravely while constantly building and expanding walls.  We believe no caste is more important than any other and we are proud to give every citizen the opportunity to contribute in the way most valuable to their tribe.

At this point it would not be prudent to give out any more sensitive information should we have to form this tribe.  I would like any of my readers to enter an short resume below, just include your gender, age, education, special skills, whether or not you would participate in public nudity, and why you think you would be a good tribe member.  You may also include a nickname you would like to go by, but it is not required.

Apparently any article linked on Drudge Report will get flooded with hundreds of comments from well informed individuals blaming anything written in the article on leftists and libtards.

Now I admit, I don’t visit Drudge Report often.  I prefer getting my news from more reputable sites such as tmz and 4chan.  I forgot Drudge still exists.  It still exists.  Today there is a poll asking readers of Drudge Report who they thought won the first presidential debate.  Basically like a “Cats Vs. Cat Eating Monsters, which do you prefer?” poll in Cat Fancy.

The reason I’m writing this is to point out the fucking insane comments on every link I clicked on Drudge Report.  I expected them in political articles like the one about Letterman blasting McCain for lying to him about rushing off to DC, but even articles that seemingly have nothing to do with politics are affected.

Case in point: An article about all of the Thursday night premieres having lower ratings than the year before.

The article is apolitical.  It mentions the ratings of Grey’s Anatomy, Ugly Betty, Survivor, My Name is Earl, The Office, and ER.  It’s the kind of thing you read, think about for 2.3 seconds, and then move on.
Not if you are a Drudger, you don’t.  You RAGE if you are a drudger.

I was going to paste a few random quotes here, but I decided posting an unedited screenshot of the first few comments will be more effective:

It is truly a bizarre sight to see when you are looking at a blog and it is randomly flooded by YouTube-like comments, only somehow more stupid and all with the same opinion.  It’s like Drudge wiped his ass with that blog and the opinions of those trying to climb into his anus for warmth stuck on the page.  I can’t help but be intrigued at how they can turn any article into a political issue.  I guess if you are that obsessed with something, anything will remind you of it.  It’s like the teenage boy that sees a sexual reference in everything, only they have a boner for hating liberals.

How awesome would it be to ever try to have a conversation with Eric R. about anything?

I imagine Eric R. is that guy at work that nobody wants to sit next to at lunch, but you’re new and don’t know anybody so you sit next to him one time and then he says something about gay niggers and you laugh uncomfortably then he thinks you agree about gay niggers.   You avoid him for the rest of the time you work there and bond with the rest of the crew by talking about Eric R. behind his back.  All-in-all it was worth the story and the comradery that the initial experience brought forth.  It is still awkward when you run in to Eric R, because he thinks of you as a filthy traitor.  You were his work friend until you stabbed his back, you fucking bastard.

If Eric R reads this, I was just kidding, dude.  Seriously, you’re like my best work friend.

Steve has some interesting ideas about executive powers

I think this plan would work if we all existed in the professional wrestling-like world of Steve’s brain.  I just wish he left an e-mail address so I could offer him money to start his own youtube channel.

These are just an example.  Feel free to copy/paste your own findings in the comment section.

According to reports from various newspapers, Sarah Palin is receiving a great amount of support from America’s least intelligent and most uneducated moms. While most say these women would have listened to their husbands and voted for John McCain either way, there is no denying their increased level of enthusiasm.

Voice of America news reported the following:

Many of these women say they feel a connection to Palin as a mother struggling to balance work and family.

Brenda Imber, a single working mother in Virginia, saw an interview with Palin when the governor was pregnant with her fifth child. “She’s giving her youngest daughter a burnt hamburger AND you see the bottle of ketchup AND she’s playing with her hair AND putting IT up in a little bun AND the daughter starts talking to her about a picture I think she made for her dad AND she just kind of incorporates work with family AND is able to do it,” Imber said.

The fact that Brenda makes no sense AND has no point AND talks about seeing a bottle of ketchup for no reason AND talks in really long run-on sentences AND wait did she put the hamburger in a bun or her hair in a bun AND it is just kind of sad to read that as news AND shit I forgot to take the trash out last week now it smells bad in the garage AND her vote counts as much as mine kind of bothers me.

Not to mention, what kind of mom burns a hamburger and feeds it to her kid?  I’ve never burned a hamburger in my life even though I’ve never cooked a hamburger while sober.

While I have seen many articles about women switching support to McCain/Palin, I have yet to see any where the women interviewed were not obviously right leaning to begin with.  I usually avoid those articles, so I’m sure one or two exists.  The main thing it seems to have done is solidify the base.  Either way, nothing in the article supports the premise that Palin is luring white women away from the handsome black man.  It just proves that these moms in this park like this bitch a lot under this premise:  IM A MOM AND SHES A MOM AND NEITHER OF US IS ALL TOO SMART SO IM VOTING FOR THAT SHIT.

Thoughts of the day:

• 
  What ever happened to James Van Der Beek and his enormous cartoon head? Joshua Jackson seems to be working, Michelle Williams paid the Olson Twins to murder Heath Ledger, and Katie Holmes was captured and reprogrammed by the Scientologists. I never see or hear about the that giant head tiny eye guy.




• I don’t know what this “Stand Up To Cancer” thing was, but it looks like it was on every channel tonight while I took my normal 5pm to 11 pm nap. Sounds like a good plan though. It’s about time SOME ONE took up the unpopular position and stood up to cancer. I checked it out on IMDb and it looks like half the famous people in existence made an appearance. How much does it suck for all of the Oscar winners and hard working talented people that a 15-year-old from the Disney Channel gets top billing? I’m kind of sad to have missed it now that I see the movies that it was like.
  

  It’s like Blue Velvet, Sophie’s Choice, AND Boys Don’t Cry? That’s got to be some awesome stand up comedy.





• According to standards and practices I’m supposed to talk about Sarah Palin and how I’d like to drill her Alaska with my in-depth vetting. Heart told her to stop using Barracuda as her theme song. For one the song isn’t that flattering in the first place, and seems like the kind of thing the GOP would have called Hillary. The lyrics do make some sense in a using her in a poor attempt to lure in the crazy angry Hillary voter kind of way.
  
  
  If the real thing don’t do the trick
  You better make up something quick
  You gonna burn burn burn burn it to the wick
  Ooooooh, barracuda?
  
  On her wikipedia page it says “Palin admits to smoking marijuana as a youth, during the time Alaska had decriminalized possession, though she says she did not enjoy it.”
  
  I don’t trust anyone who tries marijuana and doesn’t enjoy it, just like I don’t trust anyone who freaks out when I slip a tab of acid in their cheeseburger. If the bitch can’t maintain while smoking pot how can she maintain while in the role of VP? If aren’t willing to go to white castle with me at 2 AM I don’t want you answering the phone at 3 AM.
Tags: barracuda, Dawson's Creek, heart, heath ledger, hillary clinton, imdb, james van der beek, joshua jackson, katie holmes, marijuana, michelle williams, miley cyrus, sarah palin, scientology, stand-up to cancer, white castle

So tonight I was watching the A&E biography of Andre The Giant for the 8th or 9th time. It really is the best Biography episode of all time. All kinds of talk about him drinking dozens of bottles of beer then washing them down with a cask of wine. They also mention him flipping over cars when he was angry and never working out a day in his life yet still being stronger than everyone. There was also a lot of talk of his hands being the size of an average man’s back and his fingers being the size of bananas, yet there was never a bulge in his crotch region. Poor poor giant man.

I don’t know how much was true and how much was kayfabe, but it was entertaining either way. I stuck around to watch the Randy Couture Biography, because I love Mixed Martial Arts and I loved Randy Couture before his shirts became so bedazzled and his jeans grew so tight.

What came next was the real topic of the blog.

The biography of Terry “Hulk Hogan” Bollea.

I’m not going to question the programming decision of sandwiching the Randy Couture Biography between the bios of two pro-wrestlers.(see what I did there?) I didn’t really find this Bio that entertaining or exciting, but one part was worth the price of admission.

A clip from this gem made the viewing night worthwhile:

For those that think, “Wow, the 80’s were wacky!” please realize that this video was from the mid-nineties.

It’s probably not kind to make fun of a guy like Hulk with all of the legal and familial troubles, but as a member of the press I am not allowed to think about how others feel.

Hulk, if you’re reading, I know it is tough, but you’ll get through it. You went to visit your son for his 18th birthday recently while he was in jail for something that will very likely financially ruin you. Your wife was there as well, but she arrived separately with the stink of pool boy on her. Your daughter, who could probably stand up better physically than your son to the life behind bars, is now a professional dumb chick for vindictive television audiences to laugh at. Then there is your son, the poor little modern day Dennis the Menace… When I turned 18 my friends took me to a strip club. When he turned 18 the warden brought him to the adult wing of the correctional facility. Just keep your chin up, keep saying your prayers, injecting your vitamins, and be comforted by the fact that once things start going your way and your life gets straightened out we the media will not let the public know.

Last year I begin directing a documentary on editors of Wikipedia. The original vision was a feature-length film that would delve deep into the sub-culture with interviews juxtaposed to footage of the annual Wiki convention where these individuals would be caught in candid interactions with each other. After several death threats and threats perma vandalism of my wiki page, I abandoned the project. Most of the footage is lost, in legal limbo, or simply neglected.

The only footage to reach the outside world is in this post.

First, the introduction to Greg Farnsworth Hill

And finally a chilling ghost story from the same individual:

You are welcome.